Taking a Shit in New York City

When he walked out of the office building and dropped his pants in the middle of Second Avenue, no one noticed. Frankly, it’s been done before. In Manhattan, you have to try really, really hard to get anyone’s attention. That’s why he pulled down his underwear too. That’s also why he started to crap – right in the street – causing yellow taxi cabs to swerve and honk.

The cops, young new recruits for the NYPD, saw this. They’d deal with it when they finished their coffee and cigarettes. They just had to deal with a homeless man screaming obscenities at tourists across from the UN and they deserved a break. One man taking a dump in the middle of the street wasn’t really hurting anyone anyway.

What caused them to put out their cigarettes and put down their coffee was when the man – still wearing a tie – started to throw his fecal matter at their police cruiser. When they came over to put the cuffs on him, he spit wads of pus, blood, and chewed pieces of his tongue at them. This made people turn their heads. Victory.

His employees, looking from the windows of the building he just exited, weren’t all that surprised. He always did come up with creative ways to get out of trouble. With this newest stunt, a plea of insanity would surely get him acquitted on charges of securities fraud he’d been indicted for earlier that morning.

© Stanton McCaffery

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4 Responses to “Taking a Shit in New York City”

  1. I could see a greedy, bigwig asshole actually doing this to avoid a rightful punishment. Cool story!

  2. I only had to read the title to push the follow button 😉

    • Thank you Ryan. It seemed the most fitting to me. It’s meant to be taken literally and figuratively. I have an even more deranged sequel to this story coming out on September 1 on DeathThroes.net.

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