Why You Shouldn’t Bully a Fish Expert

Ronnie was an eleven year-old boy who was obsessed with fish. He was not only a member of Fish Experts International; he was the President of the local chapter. He wore fish tee-shirts, fish shorts, and fish sox, every day. He knew the name, breeding ritual, and diet of every fish on earth.

Because of his nerdery, he had to take what he could get when it came to friends his age, even if one such friend named Harvey wasn’t particularly nice to him. Harvey would punch Ronnie unexpectedly for no reason, steal his lunch money while Ronnie wasn’t looking and then deny it, and tell hurtful untruths about him to girls at school. Ronnie put up with it because Harvey allowed him to say they were friends, and, at age eleven, being abused seems more bearable than being friendless.

After months of wedgies and humiliating rumors however, Ronnie’s feelings on the value of Harvey’s “friendship” began to change. Maybe the shame of being a lone wolf was easier to handle?

The last straw came over the summer when they were riding their mountain bikes in the woods, near the pond. Harvey asked Ronnie if he could see his bike.

“Just for a sec,” he pleaded.

Ronnie acquiesced. In the blink of an eye, Harvey rolled the bike forcefully into the lake. Ronnie gave out a pathetic whimper and he was ashamed of the sound as soon as he heard it. Harvey cackled insanely and sped off on his own bike, leaving Ronnie to retrieve his from the middle of the fetid, stagnant water. Ronnie may have had a fondness for fish and all other things aquatic, but the walk into the lake made him boil with rage from the inside. He’d been fooled. For the last time.

When he got home, wet and enraged, he went online and requested the assistance of his associates from Fish Experts International. He told them his plight and easily enrolled them in his plot for vengeance. Specifically, he contracted the services of members who worked for the Brazilian Forestry Service, Virgin Airlines, ICE, the FAA, and UPS. They’d get him what he needed and make sure the law didn’t interfere.

Less than a week later, a package arrived at his doorstep.

“It’s another fish, honey,” said his mom, lovingly. It was.

That night he went to the pond in the woods, opened the box, and slid out the tank from within. A fish no larger than a juvenile sun fish swam innocently inside. He popped the top and dumped it in the water. He knew what kind of fish it was and he knew what it was capable of doing. He didn’t know that the fish came carrying a passenger, a stow-away.

The next day, just as Ronnie had guessed, he and Harvey went to the lake. It was the only place Harvey could smoke the cigarette’s he’d lifted from his mother’s nightstand without being spotted.

“You’re a pussy,” blurted Ronnie, out of nowhere.

Harvey stammered at first and then punched Ronnie square in the nose.

“What’s wrong with you?” said Harvey. “Don’t call me a pussy!”

Ronnie whipped the blood from his face. “I won’t call you a pussy if you prove to me that you’re not a pussy,” he retorted.

“Fine,” shot Harvey. “What do I need to do?”

“Strip naked and swim to the middle of the pond,” said Ronnie.

“That’s it. Yeah, whatever. Fine.”

Harvey pulled off his shirt, flung off his shoes and socks and took off his pants and underwear. He plunged head first into the pond. He reached the approximate middle and turned to look at Ronnie. He raised his hands over his head as a gesture of triumph. He was about to say something when suddenly he froze and stuck his hands under water. He went pale.

Ronnie could see his arm muscles flexing. He gave a feigned look of terror and surprise.

Harvey was struggling to pull off the fish. Through the murkiness of the water he could see the creature chewing on one of his testicles. He panicked and tore it from his manhood. He pulled the fish above water and held it adjacent to his face. The fish had strong teeth that looked like human molars. Harvey screamed and the fish opened its mouth. Out shot a termite-looking parasite that clung to Harvey’s face. It began to chew vigorously on his nose.

When the blood started to fly, Ronnie knew he succeeded. He ran  away and cackled just like Harvey had done when he pushed Ronnie’s bike into the very same pond.

*The fish in this story is not fictional. There is a fish native to South America called the Pacu that has been known to attack skinny-dipper’s testicles. The Pacu often has a termite-looking parasite living inside its mouth.Image

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